W-4 and Rewriting Body Paragraphs (7)

(Before)

(After)

The “after” pictures of my essay are still in progress because I had printed out a copy after my revisions on my laptop so I could sit down and read it aloud to then make more corrections. ¬†First, I switched the order of my body paragraphs. In the “before” pictures, my first paragraph is now my ¬†third paragraph in my “after” pictures. This was recommended by one of my peers and ended up making my essay flow much better than before. Also, I cut down my second paragraph by taking out a chunk of an evaluation by Kaphar and ending it with the bit about focusing a camera. I felt that it became repetitive so cutting it down helped strengthen my thesis without going overboard. Additionally, for my last two paragraphs, I created theses to strengthen the body of my essay. This helped set up a structure to focus on a specific point that was debatable so I could provide evidence to get that point across to the readers. After reading the Little Seagull, I focused on opening each paragraph with a thesis to focus on a specific idea, so I wouldn’t stray off and start talking about random things. Also, I focused on sticking to the main point. When I printed out my essay for the second time, I went through and deleted or reframed any sentences that had nothing to do with my thesis. This provided clarity for my essay, focusing on why art is important.

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