The first learning outcome, the revision process, I approach with an open mind. After writing my free draft and going through peer review, I need to be open to new ideas especially those that have me switch my essay around to make it better. Primarily working on global revision first, I start with content. For example, in my first body paragraph, I had three quotes referring to Yo Yo Ma. The first two quotes had supported my claim so I did end up keeping them. But, the last quote I realized had nothing to do with my claim at all. It had been thrown in there with little to no explanation of it. So, the last quote I decided to put in the trash bin and stick to supporting my claim with the two other quotes. This trash bin technique is one of my favorites from the revision strategies list because it focuses on global revision and helps you to not get rid of the great ideas you once had but to possibly use them to support a later argument. The other part of learning outcome one is being sure that we proofread. This has to do with local revision which typically happens at the end of the writing process. But, this can be difficult because as we begin to proofread and read our essays aloud, we can be found repeating ourselves throughout every paragraph. Nancy Sommers mentions that, “…although they are using different words, they are sometimes merely restating the same idea with different words…” She goes on to also state that if this continues to happen, it is not the repetition of words that is the problem but the overarching claim that may be the problem. It is the “something larger” issue that blinds the writer because this may cause the writer to then create new ideas and flip their essay around. To solve this problem of avoiding repetition but also keeping my larger ideas in check is to create a reverse outline. It is not shown on the final draft of my essay but after my first draft, before I began to write, I took out a piece of paper and wrote down my thesis. Underneath my thesis I included my claims and was sure that each claim supported my thesis. Then underneath each claim was the evidence I was going to use to support it. This is a strategy that I can use at the beginning and end of the writing process because it keeps my essay focused on what I believe, avoiding all tangents or extra sentences I provide. Using strategies for global and local revisions is important to keep your essay focused and clear.
Essay 2 (Art and Science)- Edits
Essay 2 (Art and Science)- Final
The second learning outcome focuses on the integration of ideas with those of others using summary, paraphrase, quotation, analysis and synthesis of the sources provided. A strategy I use is creating quote sandwiches that first introduce the quote, state the quote and explain the quote. To figure out what evidence I am going to use in each of my body paragraphs, I once again use a reverse outline. This helps me to use specific evidence that focuses primarily on the claim that I am making. For example, in the final draft of my essay, I used a quote sandwich to explain the fourth culture that can be used to bring science and art together to further take away the competition of both sides and appreciate both the arts and sciences. It states “Lehrer has a solution to this problem of picking one side or the other by creating this fourth culture. The fourth culture consists of, “The premise of this movement–perhaps a fourth culture–is that neither culture can exist by itself” (Lehrer: 5). Using art and science interchangeably, could create a fourth culture that aids both sides of the spectrum, eliminating the need to pick one side.” I started with introducing the fourth culture, I stated Lehrer’s solution and what the fourth culture consists of and then explained how it then supports my claim. The quote sandwiches that are made can be difficult because the evidence you use, has to speak to what you believe. And the development of your claims really begin to shine through as you continue writing your final draft. Sommers mentions, “…One writer explained, ‘I have learned from experience that I need to keep writing a first draft until I figure out what I want to say. Then in the second draft, I begin to see the structure of an argument and how all the various sub-arguments which are buried beneath the surface of all those sentences are related.'” And during the revision process, comes what you want to argue. And in order to argue what you believe, you need to provide evidence that supports those arguments. And having this evidence means also using analysis or synthesis of the evidence that you use. To then connect your ideas to other sources helps to develop and explain to the reader why you believe what you believe.
Essay 2 (Art and Science)- Final
I accomplished the fourth learning outcome by first focusing on global revision and later on local revision. My comments below are in blue referencing ideas, evidence, organization and local feedback. For example, comment 10 speaks to ideas. This student had a sentence in their second paragraph that spoke to the claim they were attempting to make from the beginning. I had suggested that they could connect this specific example to their claim to be sure that they are being clear on what their claim is. For evidence, my comment 14 had suggested that the student add additional evidence to help explain another peer’s Let’s Talk About Art project. It was somewhat vague so adding pictures or quotes from the other students project would make their claim much stronger. For organization, comment 25 spoke to taking out sentences that strayed from what the students claim was speaking to. This student had continued off on a tangent so I had suggested that they stick to the topic of music and further explain their connection with it. Local revision, the last check point, I had mentioned in my peer review comment and through comments 4 and 33. The suggestions I had made included reading their essay aloud to refine their sentence structure. During peer review, I had to read their essay several times to really understand what the student was trying to say. This suggestion I believed would help the student have specific evidence and sentences that would support their claims and in the end, their overall thesis. In order to really succeed in a paper, it was important that I first focused on global revisions including ideas, evidence and organization. Later, once their claims and thesis were clear, the student can then begin with local revisions to refine and polish their essay.
The fifth and sixth learning outcomes consisted of using MLA appropriately and controlling sentence-level errors otherwise known as local revisions. Within my significant writing project, after making global revisions, I focused on local revisions. This included sentence structure, grammar and punctuation. For example, in my first opening paragraph I had mentioned ROYGBIV. After receiving comments 4 and 5, I realized my peer reviewers had no idea what this was. I had assumed that everyone knew what it was, paying little attention to the reader who would be evaluating this essay. As Sommers says,”The writers ask: what does my essay as a whole need for form, balance, rhythm or communication. Details are added, dropped, substituted, or reordered according to the sense of what the essay needs for emphasis and proportion.” Clearly, this was a problem with communication so in my final draft, I had decided to take out ROYGBIV as a whole and stick to using the phrase coloring books and music playing on the radio as examples of art that exists in our everyday lives. Also, I did not include any in-text MLA formatting in my first draft. Therefore, I was sure to use it correctly when writing my final draft. But, once receiving my grade on the paper, I had realized some of the MLA formatting I had done was wrong. So for the next essay I wrote, I went back to the Little Seagull to refresh my mind on the appropriate MLA formatting to be completely sure I was doing it correctly on my third essay.
Essay 2 (Art and Science)- Edits
Essay 2 (Art and Science)- Final
