Aaron,
Your essay is awesome! You have a lot of great ideas and really express how you feel about Lehrer and Yo Yo Ma’s claims. I would suggest reading over your essay completely and making sure your claim sentences are supported throughout every paragraph. Definitely focus on what you believe instead of mentioning how you don’t agree with Yo Yo Ma. Overall, your introduction and conclusion are really tight and relate back to each other without the usual repetition people struggle with. You do tend to go off on tangents especially in the paragraph about your family. It’s a great addition to your paragraph but I would suggest really focusing on each claim sentences and providing great evidence that supports the claims you have made. You provide a lot of great evidence throughout your essay but it is a matter of picking appropriate evidence for each of your claims. Also, an outline of your essay may help as well. Good job!
