One of the comments I made on someone’s paper was about organization. She had been using a lot of summary within her essay, summarizing the TED talk without putting much thought into why this TED talk was important. She had also summarized Southan’s essay in one of the paragraphs. I had suggested that she use less of a summary and more of why she thought it was true. Also, to do less of a summary and more of an evaluation of the art project that was being done. If she keeps parts of the summary and includes her outlook on it all, it will add more flow to the essay. This will help develop her claim more for each paragraph and her overarching thesis in her introduction. This comment belongs in this category because its an organization of her ideas. If she organizes her ideas accordingly, it will directly tell the reader how she feels about art and why it is important to her.
One of the comments I made on someone’s paper was about ideas. She had many great ideas to contribute to why art is beneficial based on the Haas and Hahn TED talk. But, she lacked the claims she was trying to make in each paragraph. I had suggested that she summarizes less in each paragraph and instead puts her thoughts to why this art project was beneficial. If she firmly states her claim in the beginning of the paragraph, she can use the evidence she has found in the TED talk or found in Southan’s work to then contribute to the claim she made. Throughout her essay, you can tell that she does believe that the Haas and Hahn project made a difference and that the Effective Altruists are wrong but, she needs more specific claims to support her overarching thesis of helping people around the world in need. This comment belongs in the idea category because I provided an idea that will strengthen her claim.
One of the comments I made on someone’s paper was about evidence. She had many quotes that supported her idea of why art was important but specifically in one area she mentions “people should be focusing on world problems like suffering.” I suggested that she puts who exactly is suffering. Southan mentions that the people that are less fortunate than we are, are the individuals who are suffering. So if she were to expand on that idea, it would help complete her comment about what the EA’s believe. Also, she could then add the aspect of selfishness and how giving back is an easy way to give back to something that doesn’t benefit yourself but benefits others. Providing this evidence, will make her essay more complete to the readers. This comment belongs in the evidence category because I suggested that she provided evidence to strengthen the idea of suffering.
By prioritizing global edits over local edits, it helped me to pay attention more to the claims that were made and how those claims support the overarching thesis. By focusing on the overall essay and the evidence others used, it made me think of my essay and showed me new ways I can present my claims and evidence. It also helped me to be specific when stating a claim and how important it is to not stray at all from that idea and to be focused on supporting your claim throughout the paragraph. Also, 2 of the essays I peer edited had similar structures while the third had a different structure. The first two used Southan’s and the TED talk interchangeably in each paragraph while the third used the two works in separate paragraphs but did it really well by providing evidence and claims that still supported the thesis he had made. Seeing a different approach to the essay made me think how I can make my essay better in the final draft. Even though it drove me crazy to not be able to correct commas and quotation marks, working specifically on global edits really benefitted me and the writer of the paper.
One Comment
elishaemerson
Ha! I’m sorry that ignoring those pesky commas, etc. drove you crazy! I totally get it! That said, I am also glad that doing this helped you better focus on the larger picture.
Ha! I’m sorry that ignoring those pesky commas, etc. drove you crazy! I totally get it! That said, I am also glad that doing this helped you better focus on the larger picture.
Keep up the good work! 3/3